So yeah tonight I had the news that my Dad had died. Part of me although I'm upset is relieved because I don't have to worry about how he's going to eat or be clean. I always for saked my happiness to make sure my dad was OK. Even when I moved to my foster family I still worried about him. In all honesty. Part of me is happy. I can be a mum and a teenager without worrying about my dad. I feel like the blame for my mum's death has lifted to now. I think some of me is still in shock there's only 2 people I want to talk to about this and that's Joey and Jharr. Tonight it was Jharr who encouraged me to blog how I was feeling and just to get it out. To be honest getting it all out is not only going to help me but it's going to help Zoey too as if I'm stressed she's going to pick up on it. I started writing this post and then Zoey needed feeding and I'm real happy as she fed for a straight 20 mins 10 mins each side which is the first time in 3 days.. I didn't think I had that much milk in them.. Sounds stupid I know but this is all new too me.
I know that I will miss my dad though. I will miss being able to visit him and the possiblity of returning to him, because now I know my life is set as a foster child and for all I know I could be moving around quite a lot. What I'm quick to learn is as a child in care you don't know if your going to stay in one place. So you don't really want to aquire too many belongings but to be honest anything is better than what I had with dad. I feel like I can finally get things off my chest about my dad. It also feels harsh as he isn't here to defend himself. A lot of people already know dad was a drunk. He was a violent drunk though. I feel I can finally say this without being scared of him however I loved him so much.
We would have so many arguments daily I've lost track of how many times he's threw something at me or gone to hurt me or actually hurt me. I know I'm safe here though that it won't happen where I am. I know that dad won't say to people that it was Joey. Joey although he has a temper he would never lay a finger on me to hurt me as he's seen what it did to his mum when his dad did it to his mum. Today when I got the news I just wanted Joey. I wanted him to hold me and let me scream thank God. We can be a family.We can be together without people talking we can raise Zoey together and Aaliyah. We can finally work on our relationship instead of being pushed apart.
I know I will miss my dad but it's better this way. I do love you Dad I always will but I'm glad your no longer here to blame me for mum's death or for looking like her or anything that you did do.
I'm looked after here dad clothed properly and fed properly. I love you Dad. Forever and Always. I will never forget you and you will always be my daddy.
I will never forgive you for not meeting your granddaughter though dad. She's an innocent baby who did nothing wrong in this and yet she will still love you because I will tell her too because you and Mum raised me which made me to be the young woman I am today. The mummy I am.
R.I.P. Daddy & Granddaddy.
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