I went to dads funeral on July 29th. I should have blogged about this sooner but I just didn't feel strong enough to blog it until now. My social worker took me back up to Leeds for dads funeral and we stayed overnight after but god it was emotional. My half-sister planned it with input from me and I decided to speak about my dad. It hurt so much to stand next to his coffin knowing he was in there and I'd never see him again. My half sister and I had decided that she'd stay in Leeds longer to collect dads ashes and she'd bring them down to Devon for us to scatter somewhere together. Isn't it weird 15 years old and have no parents. 15 years old and a mum.
The social worker, Zoey and I got to Leeds around midday and went to the flat I'd lived in with my dad. It was so odd to go into my home of like 10 years and it be empty. I just wandered round and showed Zoey all the rooms. My room, bathroom, living room, kitchen and dads room. I went and just sat in dads room on his bed. I lay down with Zoey breathing in the smell of my daddy. My big strong daddy who just broke down after mums death, who turned to drink. He wasn't a bad person like the social painted him to be. He was just really struggling and he couldn't get through without a drink in his hand from when he woke up to when he passed out. When I had Zoey I had to do what was best for her which is why I told the midwife about what was going on with dad. I do blame myself I feel that if I hadn't of said anything and I had gone home that dad would still be here but I know that's not true due to the damage he had inflicted on himself.
I don't know how much time I spent in their with Zoey telling her about grandpa but eventually my half-sister knocked on the door to say that dads friends were arriving and I should come say hello and introduce Zoey to them. So I did I greeted everyone and I really did appreciate the offers of help and there condolences. This just continued until around 5 minutes before the hurst and cars arrived. Zoey was fastened in her car seat and so was my nephew and niece then me and my sister joined them in the car and off we went. I was so disconnected from the whole thing I sit and think about it now and wonder how the hell I got through it. Especially when I talked about dad.
The fun things we did the laughs we shared. How we had become closer after mums death and I spoke about dads dreams for me and the dreams he and my mum shared.
I remember the tears streaming down my face as I kissed dads coffin and said my final goodbye. I know the rest of the day was just a blur through all the crying I did.
