You'd think after all the crap with Joey that Alex would be different but just lately I feel like we've been having problem after problem..
Just lately Alex has started being really secretive about who he's talking to and texting and it's really making me feel on edge. I feel like he doesn't want me because I'm fat still from having Zoey. I know it's probably all in my head but that's how it feels. I kind of feel so alone although I have all my friends to talk to. I don't know where to turn even though I have the support from every direction. I want Alex to tell me what's going on, why he's being so protective and demanding why he's passworded his phone and takes it everywhere with him... even to the loo when before he'd leave it on the side.
I wonder what these girls have got that I haven't is it that they are childless and have no baggage cause I mean come on a no strings attached fuck compared to a orphan teenage mum. I know I'd pick the no strings attached fuck if I was a bloke. So can I really blame him?
Sunday 18 August 2013
#22 - Scattering Dad's Ashes
I went back to Devon the day after dad's funeral. I collected some bits from the flat and then we left to come home. I was really happy to be able to pick up the photos of me, my mum and dad and all the photo albums that dad had under his bed.
On the trip back to Devon I was in my own world. Only really talked when we had to stop so Zoey could feed or because I needed something from the services. I just wanted to be in my little bubble just me and my baby girl. My half-sister text loads of times and the last time she text was at 5pm to say she'd collected dads ashes and would make her way down to me tomorrow. I was happy that she'd got dad but upset because this really was the end. I knew he had gone but his ashes are the last bit of a person aren't they? So once they were gone that was everything of him but memories and pictures and belongings.
I went to bed subdued and upset. I couldn't sleep just lay there staring at the ceiling. I must have drifted off as next I knew I heard Zoey's cries to be fed. I couldn't get back to sleep so just lay there till my half-sister text to say she'd arrived.
I got Zoey and myself dressed and got Zoey ready in the pushchair and set off to find a spot to scatter dads ashes with my half-sister and niece and nephew. We found a spot on the beach near the water and looking at the views around us decided this was the place. Perfect place for a perfect father, I stood there and watched his ashes blow to sea. My mind seemed at ease that my daddy was finally at peace with my mummy
On the trip back to Devon I was in my own world. Only really talked when we had to stop so Zoey could feed or because I needed something from the services. I just wanted to be in my little bubble just me and my baby girl. My half-sister text loads of times and the last time she text was at 5pm to say she'd collected dads ashes and would make her way down to me tomorrow. I was happy that she'd got dad but upset because this really was the end. I knew he had gone but his ashes are the last bit of a person aren't they? So once they were gone that was everything of him but memories and pictures and belongings.
I went to bed subdued and upset. I couldn't sleep just lay there staring at the ceiling. I must have drifted off as next I knew I heard Zoey's cries to be fed. I couldn't get back to sleep so just lay there till my half-sister text to say she'd arrived.
I got Zoey and myself dressed and got Zoey ready in the pushchair and set off to find a spot to scatter dads ashes with my half-sister and niece and nephew. We found a spot on the beach near the water and looking at the views around us decided this was the place. Perfect place for a perfect father, I stood there and watched his ashes blow to sea. My mind seemed at ease that my daddy was finally at peace with my mummy
#21 - Final Goodbye to Dad
I went to dads funeral on July 29th. I should have blogged about this sooner but I just didn't feel strong enough to blog it until now. My social worker took me back up to Leeds for dads funeral and we stayed overnight after but god it was emotional. My half-sister planned it with input from me and I decided to speak about my dad. It hurt so much to stand next to his coffin knowing he was in there and I'd never see him again. My half sister and I had decided that she'd stay in Leeds longer to collect dads ashes and she'd bring them down to Devon for us to scatter somewhere together. Isn't it weird 15 years old and have no parents. 15 years old and a mum.
The social worker, Zoey and I got to Leeds around midday and went to the flat I'd lived in with my dad. It was so odd to go into my home of like 10 years and it be empty. I just wandered round and showed Zoey all the rooms. My room, bathroom, living room, kitchen and dads room. I went and just sat in dads room on his bed. I lay down with Zoey breathing in the smell of my daddy. My big strong daddy who just broke down after mums death, who turned to drink. He wasn't a bad person like the social painted him to be. He was just really struggling and he couldn't get through without a drink in his hand from when he woke up to when he passed out. When I had Zoey I had to do what was best for her which is why I told the midwife about what was going on with dad. I do blame myself I feel that if I hadn't of said anything and I had gone home that dad would still be here but I know that's not true due to the damage he had inflicted on himself.
I don't know how much time I spent in their with Zoey telling her about grandpa but eventually my half-sister knocked on the door to say that dads friends were arriving and I should come say hello and introduce Zoey to them. So I did I greeted everyone and I really did appreciate the offers of help and there condolences. This just continued until around 5 minutes before the hurst and cars arrived. Zoey was fastened in her car seat and so was my nephew and niece then me and my sister joined them in the car and off we went. I was so disconnected from the whole thing I sit and think about it now and wonder how the hell I got through it. Especially when I talked about dad.
The fun things we did the laughs we shared. How we had become closer after mums death and I spoke about dads dreams for me and the dreams he and my mum shared.
I remember the tears streaming down my face as I kissed dads coffin and said my final goodbye. I know the rest of the day was just a blur through all the crying I did.
The social worker, Zoey and I got to Leeds around midday and went to the flat I'd lived in with my dad. It was so odd to go into my home of like 10 years and it be empty. I just wandered round and showed Zoey all the rooms. My room, bathroom, living room, kitchen and dads room. I went and just sat in dads room on his bed. I lay down with Zoey breathing in the smell of my daddy. My big strong daddy who just broke down after mums death, who turned to drink. He wasn't a bad person like the social painted him to be. He was just really struggling and he couldn't get through without a drink in his hand from when he woke up to when he passed out. When I had Zoey I had to do what was best for her which is why I told the midwife about what was going on with dad. I do blame myself I feel that if I hadn't of said anything and I had gone home that dad would still be here but I know that's not true due to the damage he had inflicted on himself.
I don't know how much time I spent in their with Zoey telling her about grandpa but eventually my half-sister knocked on the door to say that dads friends were arriving and I should come say hello and introduce Zoey to them. So I did I greeted everyone and I really did appreciate the offers of help and there condolences. This just continued until around 5 minutes before the hurst and cars arrived. Zoey was fastened in her car seat and so was my nephew and niece then me and my sister joined them in the car and off we went. I was so disconnected from the whole thing I sit and think about it now and wonder how the hell I got through it. Especially when I talked about dad.
The fun things we did the laughs we shared. How we had become closer after mums death and I spoke about dads dreams for me and the dreams he and my mum shared.
I remember the tears streaming down my face as I kissed dads coffin and said my final goodbye. I know the rest of the day was just a blur through all the crying I did.
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Saturday 17 August 2013
Tuesday 6 August 2013
#20 - College Open Day
Well today I went to my college open day... I found it utterly boring but the good side was I met the principal and he took me,Zoey, Alex and my foster mum to his office to discuss my timetable for the next year I am going to spend at college. I had a choice I could have chosen to go back to school for my last year and be in school 5 days a week or I could go to college and get my 3 main GCSE's. I chose the college route not to be lazy but so I could spend more time with Zoey. As I'm only in college 2 and a half days a week which means I get 4 and half days at home with my princess. I'm feeling more positive now knowing that there's only going to be a small amount of time that im away from my little girl :) So can't wait to get started now...
Just worried about the time away from Zoey due to the breastfeeding
Just worried about the time away from Zoey due to the breastfeeding
Sunday 4 August 2013
Saturday 3 August 2013
A-Z Challenge ~ Celebrations
So in our household over yeseterday and today there have been celebrations happening and why are we all celebrating may you ask? Well yesterday was my birthday and I was 15 yeah I know but I had a great day!!
My sister Natalia and niece Lyra and nephew Joel spent the day with us where we went to the beach and made sandcastles and we played in the sea it was so much fun. I spent hours doing that with them in the afternoon. The morning was great too I woke to feed Zoey so I got her ready after her feed and jumped in the shower to freshen up and then I got ready and went downstairs where I was greeted by my foster family, Aaliyah, sister, niece and nephew and the floor was covered in presents for my birthday I had such a great day. I got lots of books to read and got a new laptop. I also got things to help me with looking after Zoey which I asked for because she needs more things than I do.. The real shock came when the post man came and I had a card with a cheque in from my foster brother.
Before I went out with my sister I went to the bank with my foster mum who decided I needed my own bank account. I was so excited because I've never had anything that made me feel slightly responsible other than Zoey of course and Nico. But we went and set it up and I deposited the cheque for £100 off my foster brother.. So pleased.. To add to it my foster mum is setting up a direct debit so once she gets Zoeys child benefit she will send it to my account. So happy..
Today the celebrations continue but with my boyfriend Alex and daughter Zoey were at Alexs watching films and were going to order a take-away and were staying at Alexs but I have a lot to tell him and im scared
My sister Natalia and niece Lyra and nephew Joel spent the day with us where we went to the beach and made sandcastles and we played in the sea it was so much fun. I spent hours doing that with them in the afternoon. The morning was great too I woke to feed Zoey so I got her ready after her feed and jumped in the shower to freshen up and then I got ready and went downstairs where I was greeted by my foster family, Aaliyah, sister, niece and nephew and the floor was covered in presents for my birthday I had such a great day. I got lots of books to read and got a new laptop. I also got things to help me with looking after Zoey which I asked for because she needs more things than I do.. The real shock came when the post man came and I had a card with a cheque in from my foster brother.
Before I went out with my sister I went to the bank with my foster mum who decided I needed my own bank account. I was so excited because I've never had anything that made me feel slightly responsible other than Zoey of course and Nico. But we went and set it up and I deposited the cheque for £100 off my foster brother.. So pleased.. To add to it my foster mum is setting up a direct debit so once she gets Zoeys child benefit she will send it to my account. So happy..
Today the celebrations continue but with my boyfriend Alex and daughter Zoey were at Alexs watching films and were going to order a take-away and were staying at Alexs but I have a lot to tell him and im scared
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