Silent Sunday

Saturday 'Caption Day'

#19 - Back Where She Belongs

As you all know when I left my old foster home I left Aaliyah behind. I felt so guilty I knew she'd become confused quickly and that she'd be very upset. I missed her dearly too. We had phone contact but it just upset her so much. It upset me too but not as much as it did her. Over the weekend I talked to people and brooded so bad about Aaliyah. She'd become like my daughter and I was so close to her.. I missed her laugh and smiles and her telling Zoey she was going to get kisses..
I decided when Monday came I would tell my social worker how I felt and I'm so glad I did. When she came to visit I told her straight away and she told me that she was looking for a new placement for Aaliyah but it was unlikely she'd be placed here as it was a mother and baby placement for me. Also if they were to even consider it then would my foster parents be able to deal with writing 2 fostering logs as they need to.
But on tuesday this happened as another emergency placement and guess whos here

#18 - Routine

I've only been here since Friday and today is Sunday but Zoey seems so much more settled so I've started a routine and it's helping her sleep longer which means she feeds longer so all good really and she's so much more relaxed at feeding time.. As I write this it's feeding time for Zoey which I don't mind.. So just a quick look for you all at Zoey's routine:

12pm - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
3pm -Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
6pm - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding
7pm - Bath
7:30pm - Story and bed
9:30 - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
1:30 - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
3.00 - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
5.00 - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep
9.00 - Feed lasting 20 - 40 mins and then winding and bum change then sleep

#17 - Settling In

I feel so much better in this place than I did the other place. Zoey is more settled and so am I.. I popped out today to meet this lad called Alex and I seemed to want to keep in contact with people because they aren't controlling. Alex and I went back to the house and we've been chilling.

I instantly feel happier here. I can relax and know that if I need help I just need to ask but if I don't I'm left to get on with it and that's what I wanted all along. I want to be the sole carer for my daughter so she isn't confused over who her mummy is. I love it. I can relax as long as I clean up after myself and Zoey.

It's going to sound shocking my next statement as no teenager likes the rules that are put in place for them but I do. Yes you heard right I love these rules. I get to do what I like within reason as long as it isn't silly or harmful to me or Zoey. I get to take her out if I want to and as long as I keep in touch there ok with it and as it isn't late either. I'm being helped with getting Zoey into a routine. It's really nice to have help and that be the end of it unless I want more.

Silent Sunday

Saturday 'Caption Day'

#16 - Girl On The Move

So Thursday night I ended up in hospital with a stress Migraine/headache.. It was caused due to all the fighting my foster parents were doing. I ended up in my bedroom all day not eating or drinking with the TV on loud.

I ended up so ill and when my social worker found out she wasn't best pleased. I was discharged from the hospital the same evening and on Friday morning round came my social worker to tell me I was being moved to a new family. This foster placement was in Devon.. I was really glad to be out of there. I was getting so stressed and Zoey wasn't settling well so we got all packed up and about 1 pm we hit the road to head down to Devon. The family I'm going to stay with live in Torquay. Not far from the beach again.. I love it. I loved the idea of being in a family where I wouldn't have arguments.

 The place I'm staying is a Parent & Baby placement. I'm staying with a family of 7. My foster mum is called Sam and my foster dad is called Adam. They have 5 children. There ages range from 24 - 2. Robert is 24 and lives with his fiancee who is due a baby. Jade is 22 and is away at university but has her own flat close to her parents. Alex is 20 and travelling the world. The other two are younger than me. There's Georgie who is 9 and Courtney who is 2. They live in a 5 bed home close to the coast and beach. This is supposed to be a long term foster placement for me but we will see.

I arrived here at almost 8 pm.
I will blog again soon

A-Z Challenge ~ Bad Mum

      Can't help but feel that I'm a bad mom to my daughter Zoey. Tonight she's constantly crying and I'm forcing her to feed or drink water. I know she isn't wet or dirty and if she was hungry she'd take the boob. I just want to drown her crying out. I want to switch off. I didn't sleep last night. I think I'm over-tired I'm not sure. I don't know but I know I want to be looking for Zoey's off button!! Where's the button??? Where's her manual???? Oh Shit I'm it. Kill me now please? Someone.. Im waiting I just want to sleep I want Zoey too sleep!!! She's in her sleep-suit wrapped up in her blanket and got a blanket on top so I know she's nice and snugly warm like a baby should be.

      A lot of things are happening to me and I'm not sure if I like them! I'm still fat for 1. I thought I'd go back down to being stick thin.. When's that going to happen? I don't want to be fat and frumpy. Who's going to find me attractive?
 My boobs leak white stuff I have to constantly wear a bra even in bed and OMG it is so uncomfortable and all so I can stick these like cotton pads in front of my nipples. I wake with like strap marks on my shoulders. It's horrible. They're constantly putting pressure on my shoulders.
 My boobs have seemed to grow I'm not shitting anyone honest. There like right out there in my face I guess that's a good thing? I don't know. I'm still getting used to it. It's most weird.

That's just some of the depressing shit happening to me. I won't depress you anymore I promise. I think I should be 'The Bad Mother' from 'Bad Mother's Handbook' I bet I'd nail it.. Or I could just write my own? At this very I don't care I just want Zoey to shut up and sleep so I can!

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! So go ahead call me what the fuck you like are you listening to me???

I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK

#15 - I'm Sorry Niko

Today hasn't been a good day aye Niko. 1 today and nothing to show for it. I promise mummy and Zoey are going to do something tomorrow because your my special boy and I love you so much. Maybe go the beach? Maybe I can dip Zoey's feet in the sea. I love you Niko.

#14 - What's To Talk About?

Yeah I've not really got much to say to anyone today. Except for I'm tired and I miss my son. My little one woke up every 2 hours last night and fed for 20 mins each time. Starting to think were getting the hang of breast feeding so glad I didn't give in to Joey's demands of bottle feeding her. I did get my foster brother to pop to the 24 hr tesco though so I could Zoey cool boiled water because the heat was really getting to her. I know I should have slept last night but I just couldn't drop off at all.
 Decided on a very chilled day today... But I'm dressed already instead of staying in my pj's because I know that's instantly made me feel better being able to be up. OK I'm only in loose sweat pants and vest top but I feel like I'm doing OK. I'm not in so much pain as of yet which is good... I don't bank on it staying like that though.. Lots of exciting times coming up so keep your eyes peeled.

# 13 - Niko Brendan Owen ~ Happy 1st Birthday

Hey Baby Boy,
  I know your not here OK. But I need you to know that mummy misses you and that you're a big brother now so you have to do your brotherly duty and look after Zoey from the skies. Help me keep her safe. I know me and daddy aren't getting along at the moment and I know it breaks daddy's heart as it does mine that you aren't here with us growing. You should be and I should be tucking you into a bed and looking after 2 children but instead I can't sleep because of how upset I am.

 I know that Nanna and Grandpa are looking after you now and I hope your being a good boy for them. I remember grandpa's face when I said we was calling you Niko and the day he saw you he fell in love with you. You were taken too soon Niko and we have to deal with that everyday. No matter where we go or what we do you are still part of us and a part of everything we do. I know I may go get a balloon for you tomorrow and take your sister to the beach to let it fly. Make sure your watching OK baby.

I'm so proud to be your mummy. You will always be my child. Even though you aren't here. My baby that's what you will forever be. I hurt too much to share photos of you. I want to keep you all to myself. Maybe one day I will share them with the world for them to see your beautiful face. Niko. What did I do wrong baby? Why couldn't you stay with us. Maybe if you had stayed then your daddy wouldn't hate me so much. I know deep down he does and everything he said to me. I try to hide the tears and be brave for you and now be brave for Zoey to but tonight I just can't do it Niko..

Shine forever my little star

Lots of Love
Mummy and Zoey xx

#12 - A Promise To My Daughter

Zoey Olivia Owen.. Somethings in your life I can't be sure on but these are a few things I can promise and can do to make you safe so that you have a happy and healthy life.

• I will always love & protect you.
• I will shield you from hurt for as long as possible.
• I will always be here for you.
• I will never judge you.
• I will never put you down.
• I will always put you first.
• I will always do what is best for you.
• I will always be your mummy.
• I will never leave you.
• I will always care for you.

I don't know what's going to happen with your daddy but please know I will always do what I think is right for you. If I ever do something you dont like know that I did it with your best interests in my heart. I love you beautiful

#11 - Love Or Lust

I don't know anymore.. Do I even love him anymore? Did I love him in the first place or did I get sucked in. I dont even know what love is. I think of Joey and I feel physically sick. I just get this gut- wrenching feel to vomit. Gross I know but that's what he does to me he really does. I don't think I could love him if I tried but I'm sat here crying... Looking at the screen for 20 mins.. I have nothing left to post

#10 - Harassment

Im sure the picture gives it all away but Joey's done nothing but harass me all day. It's impacting my daughter now. I don't know what to do? Give in let him have his way let her be a Smith? Let him have full custody like he wants.. It's what he does.. He did it to his ex till she cracked and became an addict then had courts terminate her rights to Aaliyah.. I'm scared.. I can't fight him. I can't get away from him.. He is so seductive..Can someone help me.. Anybody.. I'm lost I need a big sister or someone who can be please.. Is there anyone out there

Silent Sunday

#9 - Trip to the beach

       So today I don't really feel very happy. I just don't want to do anything but I did get talked into going for a walk down the beach which I didn't mind as I did enjoy the walk to the beach. I enjoyed just sitting down and watching Aaliyah play. She loved playing in the sea which was amazing to watch her. We took towels and some drinks and food which was nice. Zoey slept through most of it and just woke to be fed and changed which Joey helped me with so that I was comfortable to feed her. I think we spent like an hour or something down there and I really enjoyed. I know Aaliyah loved playing in the sea and collecting water and making sandcastles with her daddy.

       Joey is such a  good dad to Aaliyah and she is such a polite little girl for 3 years old and being deaf. I can't stop thinking that I was a bitch to my dad though. Especially after what I wrote last night but I just really needed to get it off my chest and get it out there as it did make me feel loads better. I woke this morning feeling really shit and not wanting to let anyone touch Zoey or even take her out of my sight. I spoke to Jhar this afternoon though and only after a quick conversation with her I decided that a little trip out would do me some good. Get some fresh air and sea breeze and it would do Zoey some good too. Plus it meant time as a family. Just Joey, Aaliyah, Zoey and I. It really benefited the girls I know that now.

 I had time to just lie on a beach towel and reflect on what's been a eventful few days and that's to say the least. I had my baby girl on the 9th, went into foster care and found out my dad had died on the 12th. It's now the 13th and I've just got back from the beach which is nice but I am boiling and Zoey is crying and red so catch you all soon

#8 - I'm going to miss you Dad

 So yeah tonight I had the news that my Dad had died. Part of me although I'm upset is relieved because I don't have to worry about how he's going to eat or be clean. I always for saked my happiness to make sure my dad was OK. Even when I moved to my foster family I still worried about him. In all honesty. Part of me is happy. I can be a mum and a teenager without worrying about my dad. I feel like the blame for my mum's death has lifted to now. I think some of me is still in shock there's only 2 people I want to talk to about this and that's Joey and Jharr. Tonight it was Jharr who encouraged me to blog how I was feeling and just to get it out. To be honest getting it all out is not only going to help me but it's going to help Zoey too as if I'm stressed she's going to pick up on it. I started writing this post and then Zoey needed feeding and I'm real happy as she fed for a straight 20 mins 10 mins each side which is the first time in 3 days.. I didn't think I had that much milk in them.. Sounds stupid I know but this is all new too me.

I know that I will miss my dad though. I will miss being able to visit him and the possiblity of returning to him, because now I know my life is set as a foster child and for all I know I could be moving around quite a lot. What I'm quick to learn is as a child in care you don't know if your going to stay in one place. So you don't really want to aquire too many belongings but to be honest anything is better than what I had with dad. I feel like I can finally get things off my chest about my dad. It also feels harsh as he isn't here to defend himself. A lot of people already know dad was a drunk. He was a violent drunk though. I feel I can finally say this without being scared of him however I loved him so much.

We would have so many arguments daily I've lost track of how many times he's threw something at me or gone to hurt me or actually hurt me. I know I'm safe here though that it won't happen where I am. I know that dad won't say to people that it was Joey. Joey although he has a temper he would never lay a finger on me to hurt me as he's seen what it did to his mum when his dad did it to his mum. Today when I got the news I just wanted Joey. I wanted him to hold me and let me scream thank God. We can be a family.We can be together without people talking we can raise Zoey together and Aaliyah. We can finally work on our relationship instead of being pushed apart.

I know I will miss my dad but it's better this way. I do love you Dad I always will but I'm glad your no longer here to blame me for mum's death or for looking like her or anything that you did do.
I'm looked after here dad clothed properly and fed properly. I love you Dad. Forever and Always. I will never forget you and you will always be my daddy.

I will never forgive you for not meeting your granddaughter though dad. She's an innocent baby who did nothing wrong in this and yet she will still love you because I will tell her too because you and Mum raised me which made me to be the young woman I am today. The mummy I am.

R.I.P. Daddy & Granddaddy.

#7 - Phone Call To Another Mummy

 Well I guess it's best if I explained what prompted this call.. Earlier tonight I got the news that my dad has passed away. It was alcohol poisoning which caused it. So I told my friends and a new mummy friend was concerned so she spoke to my foster brother and got my number from him. She then called me this evening and I cut her call.... Well I didn't know who it was! Sorry Jharr. I do now. So I guess this post is just a quick introduction to my following post that will follow it.. Oh and Jharr? Your number is saved now.
K xx

A- Z Challenge ~ A New Adventure

Hey All,

Well I'm now a mummy to a beautiful little girl. She's just so perfect I don't want to put her down. Well I've arrived at my new home and I've been shopping. I have a double bed and new bedroom furniture. My foster brother has set it all up. He even brought me a flat screen TV with built in DVD player. My foster dad also is paying to set up sky multi-room but until the person comes out to do it my foster brother has gave me his sky + box and remote. So I can watch what I like in my room. It's just so I can rest and recover from my C-Section. Zoey's Moses basket has been put next to my bed so she's close to me.

 My foster family are really nice and we live in a 5 bed house right next to the sea and the beach.. I can't wait to go to the beach with Zoey. I've been looking out my bedroom window at the sea and the beach and I've seen loads of girls and boys my age. I wonder if maybe once I'm settled that I can make friends with a few of them and get into a routine and  normal life with Zoey.

It's really warm here. I like it. The best bit is the smell of the sea. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and smell the sea. Maybe later if Jane and Micheal say I could take Zoey to the beach. At the moment Micheal and Harry (My foster brother) are in the nursery putting together all Zoey's bedroom stuff it's so amazing. I've got a lovely travel system too for her. Well I like it.

Hope you like my update
K x

Diary Post #6 - Just A Quickie

Dear Diary,
 Yesterday I was discharged from the hospital. I also named my baby girl. I've called her Zoey after my mum. Her full name is Zoey Olivia Owen. My perfect baby girl. I also spoke to a nurse about what's happening with dad.  The truth. She called social services. I woke up yesterday morning to a social worker here. They spoke to me about what's happened and told me about a family from Gt Yarmouth. They came up and we really got on so after I was discharged my new foster dad and brother headed home in my foster brothers car to paint a bedroom for me and nursery for Zoey. I stayed in a hotel with my foster mum and Zoey. Were just about to leave to go to Great Yarmouth so blog when I'm there

Diary Post #5 - A Mummy At Last

Hey all,

Well as you saw from my previous post I came into hospital last night after my waters broke. I was so scared last night they kept doing these internal checks where basically they stick fingers up your bits and see if your cervix is thinning out and dilating. Mine wasn't. Even this morning when they checked and all through this afternoon.

The best way to describe the pain for me is like period cramps but on steroids and it hurt so much and even went into my back. It wasn't like I had a few and they went away. Oh no. They continued and continued and I was given pain relief that hardly even helped the pain let alone stop it. I slept a little when dad was here. He was being a dad it was nice. I felt like the teenager I'm supposed to be. The staff just think he's working it's what I told them. 

I ended up having a C-Section because my labour wasn't progressing and she was becoming distressed. I met with the surgeon who agreed we had no time to wait for my dad and they got me ready for surgery. I was so scared I was going to have my baby. I was finally going to become a mummy. I was going to have this little girl who is going to be completely dependant on me.

My little girl entered the world at 16:16

Diary Post #4 - Hospital

Dear Diary, 

  Last night I didn't wait up for dad I decided to go to bed and as I got upstairs what I thought was urine gushed out of my bits. After speaking with a new friend I phoned up and the labor ward wanted me in.

I got here at 1am and just after half 1 they confirmed my waters had broken. They did an internal exam and I hadn't even dilated but the cramps in my tummy hurt so so much and I'm so so scared as my baby girl is going to be premature. I was given pain killers to help the pain and next thing I know its like half 7 this morning.

I'm using Blogger app on my phone to update you all so will do my best to keep you updates.

Wish me good luck 

Diary Post #3 - 35+4 & Agonizing Pain

Dear Diary,
  The last few days I have been so stressed and been in so much pain. My stomach keeps cramping to the point I can't move. I still need to cook and clean this place and look after my dad. He needs looking after I guess. I can't help but feel I should be tucked up in bed and he should be looking after me. He should be making sure I know I have everything for my little princess. I know I'm being selfish as he is obviously hurting..
 It's 22:40 and still waiting for dad.. My pain is unbearable but I'm here writing this for you all

Diary Post #2 - Waiting On Dad

Dear Diary,
  Since mum died dads been drinking a lot. I'm worried about him. He spends most days from 12pm at the pub. He normally stays till kicking out time. I stay up to get his washing and cook his dinner. He doesn't mean to drink so much I know that. He just misses mum. I miss her too. But I'm getting worried because not only does dad spend all day at the pub, he doesn't have a phone. I'm due to have my baby on August 1st! What am I meant to do if I go into labour? I can't do it all on my own... Or is this a test and I am supposed to do it on my own? Show my dad what he's missing.

 I know my dad loves me he always tells me how much he loves me but I also know it hurts him to be around me. He says I'm the spitting image of mum. So that means he sees mum everyday and it hurts him so much that he lost her. I guess I should be happy he's found something which is his release. Beer. Beer. More beer.
Homer Simpson is funny and I do love The Simpsons but dads gone past the funny side of drinking. He reminds me of Frank on Shameless who just spends his days drinking. Spending his days in the pub because he can't stand to look at me. His only daughter and he can't look at me. All because I remind him of mum, I can't help what I look like, can I what does he want? For me to have a facial make over so I look nothing like her.

  Every night is the same though... Sitting up waiting.. Washing.. Doing everything for him looking after him.. Who's the kid though? Is it him? Or me?

Diary Post #1 - Meet Me

Dear Diary,
   So this post is about me. My name is Kaaliyah Adakini Owen. Yeah so most of you are sat wondering this girl has 2 really odd names but then a really common surname. My dad is Frank Owen, he was a builder but after his accident he can't work. My mum is Zoey Louisa Ingles, she grew up in Africa. My mum and dad met when dad was on a safari in Africa. They fell in love and mum joined dad here in England. I was conceived quite early in my mum and dads relationship and they were married a week before I was born. I had a fairly normal upbringing until my mum died. Since then its just been me and my dad. It's been 2 years since my mum died and I have been a bit off the rails.

 I'm 14 and been pregnant twice. Drank a lot. Got into a relationship with this amazing amazing man. His name is Joey. He is older than me, he's 17. He's at college studying his A Levels. When I told him I was pregnant he said he couldn't be a dad and he needed to focus on college and University. What happens to his baby? The baby I'm carrying?! How could he do this.. I'm so angry with him.. She needs two parents not one who is compensating for a father who can't be bothered. I've been told that I'm being too upfront but how can I not! He's her father